Imagine a home where the walls constantly whisper that danger is lurking. Where the ground under your feet always feels fragile and you never know when the next storm is coming. This was my reality, growing up with a father caught in the grip of addiction.
Living in the Shadow of Anxiety and Addiction
I was born into a family with two children. My parents were still young, full of dreams and plans, but dark clouds soon hit. It all started when my mom fainted and my dad had his first panic attack. He thought she was dead. Now, years later, I understand that this was a deep-seated fear. His mother died when he was sixteen, and that fear of abandonment had settled in his heart.
In the 70s/80s, people knew hardly anything about mental health. Panic attacks were misunderstood and often dismissed with a pill to “calm down.” For my father, those pills quickly became not enough. The drink came along and became a loyal but destructive companion in his life.
The vicious cycle of addiction and guilt
It wasn't long before I found myself in a world where survival was all about. My life stood still for more than twenty years. I was a child who learned to be invisible, to always walk on eggshells, caught in complete fear. The constant reproaches and the long conversations where he told me everything that was wrong with me caused me to lose myself.
Only later did I understand that I was a victim of manipulation. But occasionally, I saw the other side of my father, the person who was concerned, the father hiding somewhere beneath all those layers of guilt and booze. He was struggling with a huge sense of guilt about our lives, about how things could have been different. Unfortunately, his only way out was more booze, and so the vicious cycle kept repeating itself.
The unpredictability
What many people don't realize is that alcohol in combination with medication can completely change behavior. While the person who drinks or takes medication feels that the problems are going away for a while, the children see their parent change into someone they no longer recognize. One moment, everything seems normal, but the next moment can turn into anger, blame, or even unpredictable behavior. For kids, this isn't just confusing, it's scary.
Every step you take around the house is unpredictable. You never know when the next eruption is coming, and so you learn to be invisible. The atmosphere in the house becomes one of constant threats, of not knowing what to expect. For a child, there is no greater fear than not knowing whether their parent will be friendly or hostile when the door opens.
The fear that lasts
It's easy to think that only the person using the substances is affected. But the truth is that the children in the family often pay the biggest price. They see their parents change but don't understand why. The constant anxiety, the unpredictable behavior, and the endless, confusing conversations filled with blame leave deep emotional scars. For a child, this isn't a phase; it's a daily fight to survive in an environment where they never really feel safe.
What's even scarier is that the parent often doesn't know what's going on. While you may think you're sedating yourself to deal with your own pain, your children become invisible victims of your addiction. They see every glass you pour and feel the tension build up in their bodies every time the situation escalates.
Destroys more than you'd like
Alcohol and medication may seem like a way to deal with pain, but they often destroy more than you can imagine. Fortunately, there is now much more help and understanding, and the dangers and the sometimes years of rehab are also becoming more familiar. Fortunately, these are even more reasons not to get started. Now I know that fear is an emotion that needs to be felt and acknowledged. It is something that should not be pushed away either, although I wonder if I could have convinced him of that. I've always wanted to “make it.”
Not only did it numb his own emotions, but it tore the safety and trust out of my former family. Children grow up with anxiety as a constant companion, and the scars it leaves behind.
The vicious cycle of drinking and guilt that my father fell into is a cautionary tale for everyone who is at the beginning of such a spiral. It may seem like a short-term solution, but the damage to your children is permanent. They feel the consequences of every decision you make, every time you reach for the bottle or take that pill to feel better.
A Call for Awareness
If you notice that you're starting to depend on resources to get through your day, consider the impact this has on the people you love most. The damage that alcohol and drugs can do goes far beyond your own body. It creates a life of fear for your children, a life where they never know what to expect and never really feel safe.
It's never too late to get help. Realize that you still have the chance to turn the tide and give your children the safe, loving environment they deserve. Alcohol and drugs may temporarily numb your pain, but they destroy much more than you'd like — including your children's future.
Many people who are in addiction don't fully realize how much damage their behavior causes to their loved ones, especially their children. There is often a taboo about talking about addiction and its impact on families. I want to be open about my experiences to help others who are in similar situations feel less alone. Children who grow up in a family with addiction problems often suffer major emotional and psychological damage. By naming this reality, I hope to contribute to protecting children and encourage parents to take the necessary steps before it is too late.
With the knowledge I have now, I see how everything could have been different. My dad was never really able to enjoy his life; addiction ruined him. Although my past was full of trauma, I was able to turn that pain into something positive “I'm now thankful for what I've experienced” because it allows me to support others. My mission is to help children who are now going through similar situations. I want to give them back their self-esteem and self-love, even if they are already older or grown up. And if possible, protect their innocence. Many parents who reach for alcohol or medication do so from a place of deep pain and unprocessed trauma. Their own wounds and experiences are often passed on from generation to generation, because the impact of unprocessed trauma unconsciously influences their behavior and choices. It is therefore essential not only to look at the consequences for the children, but also at the roots of the parents' pain themselves.
The cycle of pain and trauma can be broken by supporting both children and parents in their healing process. It takes courage to start this journey without judgment, but it is possible. Together, we can work for a future where love, self-care and healing are key, so that the next generation can grow up in a healthier, safer environment.