As I become increasingly aware, more and more cesspools seem to be opening. If you've lived through one thing, the next one presents itself. One interesting phenomenon I encountered the other day was the absent parent. Normally, you think of a parent who, for example, is divorced and is rarely present for their child. But realizing that you've unintentionally been an absent parent due to your own trauma can be a painful and confronting experience.
Not that I'm going to punish myself enormously with this, because it happened unconsciously and unintentionally. But it explains a lot of things that, for example, the generation after me wear. I find it very important to recognize that self-awareness is the first step towards change and healing, and to take responsibility for this. Awareness is a wonderful journey, but there are also painful aspects to it. I just don't think you can escape this, because I see that parents who are or become aware of this often put their children in motion already, consciously and/or unconsciously.
Absent parents due to trauma can help their children through awareness and recognition. Even though you think you've never let your child know anything, they've certainly felt it and assumed their role, which now stands in the way of their authenticity.
Causes of Absent Parenthood
Parents can be emotionally or physically absent for many reasons, often due to their own unprocessed traumas. Here are some common traumas that can contribute to parental absence, along with how these traumas may manifest:
- Growing up in a violent or abusive environment
- Consequence: Parents who themselves grew up in an environment of violence or abuse may have difficulty providing emotional safety to their own children. They can be emotionally distant because they haven't learned how to show or receive affection in a healthy way, or are overcompensating and worrying.
- Loss or fear of abandonment
- Consequence: Parents who experienced loss as children, such as the death of a parent or abandonment, may have difficulty making emotional connections for fear of losing again. This can result in emotional detachment or overprotection.
- Addictions
- Consequence: Parents who struggle with addictions to alcohol, drugs, or other substances may be physically and emotionally absent from their children's lives. Addiction can come from attempting to deal with unprocessed trauma.
- Mental health issues
- Consequence: Traumas such as PTSD, depression, anxiety disorders, or other mental health issues can overwhelm parents, leaving them unable to be emotionally available to their children.
- Chronic stress and overload
- Consequence: Parents who experience constant stress and overload, for example due to financial problems, work pressure or lack of support, can become exhausted and have difficulty staying involved with their children.
- Military service or war-related trauma
- Consequence: Parents who have suffered trauma from military service or war experiences may have difficulty reintegrating into family life. They may suffer from PTSD and emotional detachment.
Recognition of intergenerational trauma
Intergenerational trauma occurs when the effects of traumatic experiences are passed on from parents to their children. This can happen due to genetic heredity, behavioral patterns and environmental influences. Some of the ways you can achieve this awareness are:
- Open and honest conversations with your family: Having open and honest conversations with your family can uncover hidden pain points and patterns. This can help you understand the dynamics within the family.
- Books and documentaries: There are many books and documentaries that discuss the impact of intergenerational trauma and how it can be recognized and addressed.
How these traumas manifest
- Emotional detachment: Having trouble expressing love and affection, or having trouble responding to their children's emotional needs.
- Physical absence: Due to addictions, workload, or mental health problems, it can't be physically present.
- Overprotection: Excessive control or protection for fear of loss, which can lead to limited autonomy for the children.
- Inconsistency: Varying availability and unpredictable emotions, which can make children feel insecure and anxious.
Steps to recovery
For parents who recognize that their absence has been affected by their own trauma, there are steps they can take to heal and improve their relationships with their children:
- Open and honest conversation: Approach your children with an open heart and be honest about what you've achieved. Explain how your own trauma affected your behavior and apologize for your absence.
- Listening: Give your kids space to share their feelings and experiences. Listen without defending and acknowledge their pain and frustration.
- Patience and time: Understand that it takes time to restore trust and relationships. Be patient and consistent in your efforts.
- Small gestures: Small gestures of love and attention can help repair the relationship. This can range from regular phone calls and visits to doing activities together.
- Learning new habits and patterns:
- Attendance: Actively work on being a present and involved parent. This can mean spending more time with your kids, engaging in their lives, and supporting their interests.
- Emotional availability: Work on your emotional availability by being open about your feelings and paying attention to your children's emotions.
- Self-compassion: Be gentle with yourself as you go through this process. Acknowledging your mistakes and working to recover is an important part of personal growth. Realize that this has been going on for generations, but that it concerns you.
- Keep learning: Keep learning about this topic, trauma and healing. Books, as well as introspection, offer valuable lessons. You know your child best and can sense what they need.
- Acceptance and Forgiveness:
- Forgiveness: Work on self-forgiveness for your past. It's important to understand that, despite your mistakes, you have the capacity to change and grow.
- Acceptance: Accept that you are not perfect and that mistakes are part of being human. The most important thing is how you move forward from now on.
Conclusion
Acknowledging your absence as a parent due to your own trauma is a difficult but essential starting point for recovery and growth. Your children did not ask for this and deserve their own autonomy where you can help them grow. They are the future and you are the past. Realize what a gift you can give to them and the generations that follow. Someone has to face it and feel through the pain, otherwise it will go on generation after generation.
By communicating openly and honestly, and actively working to repair relationships, you can have a positive impact on your own life and that of your children. The process takes time, patience, and consistency, but the efforts can lead to deeper connections and a healthier family dynamic.